{"id":182,"date":"2022-05-29T12:35:16","date_gmt":"2022-05-29T12:35:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/zerofrontiertravel.com\/index.php\/2022\/05\/29\/reflections-on-turning-34\/"},"modified":"2022-05-29T12:35:16","modified_gmt":"2022-05-29T12:35:16","slug":"reflections-on-turning-34","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/zerofrontiertravel.com\/index.php\/2022\/05\/29\/reflections-on-turning-34\/","title":{"rendered":"Reflections on turning 34"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n

Thirty-four twirls around the sun. Wow, how time flies. It feels like yesterday I was a fresh-faced 21-year-old starting this blog to document my travels. Thirteen years later, I still feel like I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m doing, just a little more confident.<\/p>\n

Recently I was chatting with friends, and someone asked if we could go back to any age what would it be. For some reason, this has stuck in my head, and my answer hasn\u2019t changed. I wouldn\u2019t go back. I\u2019ve enjoyed many moments in my life, some years far better than others, but none remarkable enough worth repeating.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s no amount of money I could be paid to go back to high school. Remembering my twenties makes me so tired \u2013 where did all that energy and tolerance for booze come from? I feel like every age is unique and has meaning, and I\u2019m looking forward to turning 34. I feel like I\u2019ve become more comfortable with who I am and what I want.<\/p>\n

My need to please others has taken a backseat as I try to put myself entirely and utterly first. So far, it feels pretty awesome.<\/p>\n

\"turning<\/p>\n

It\u2019s also been six months since my breakup<\/a>, and my life upended \u2014 six months of a broken heart Or perhaps six months of growth, resilience, and optimism.<\/p>\n

I suppose life is all about perspective, and I\u2019ve really enjoyed challenging myself to acknowledge my sorrows (fuck you, heartbreak) and reframe my anguish (hmm, maybe this was a good thing for me?). While I\u2019m not in the place that I pictured I would be at this moment in my life, I suppose whatever path I\u2019m on is right.<\/p>\n

Sometimes it\u2019s hard to feel positive when you feel like a mess. My life sprawls across two continents, among storage units, friends\u2019 garages, and my car. I have no idea what the hell I\u2019m going to do with myself. In many ways, I\u2019ve struggled with \u201cmoving on\u201d because I have trouble letting go of \u201cwhat might have been.\u201d I expected to be working towards buying a house with my partner, running NODE<\/a> in person, raising chickens and children, and planning for this new chapter of my life.<\/p>\n

Now that that isn\u2019t happening, it feels like anything else is going backward, a direction I really don\u2019t want to be traveling in.\u00a0<\/p>\n

\"turning<\/p>\n

At the end of March, I left New Zealand<\/a> for the first time in two and a half years to travel back to see my family on the East Coast of the USA. I can\u2019t even begin to explain what that meant to me, especially after the grief and loss<\/a> of my stepdad.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I accomplished about three things while in the States for five weeks: family time, eating, and finishing my book. Yes, I wrote a book, something that has absolutely consumed me for the past four months. But more on that coming soon.\u00a0<\/p>\n

I spent endless days slouched across my mom\u2019s sofa, wearing the same pajamas and a bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch balanced on my stomach while As Time Goes By<\/em> played on the tv quietly. I feel 17 again, and not in a good way. At this point in my life, I thought I\u2019d be coming back here with a partner and a plan.<\/p>\n

\"turning<\/p>\n

Damn. This didn\u2019t feel like a success. In fact, it makes me feel like a total failure<\/a>.<\/p>\n

But perhaps this is precisely where I\u2019m meant to be. I\u2019ve pushed myself for over a decade. And I\u2019ve had a rough couple of years, losing my stepdad, some insane life-changing family circumstances, being stuck behind a closed border, and then having my relationship and life implode just when I thought I was nailing it. Oh, and COVID.<\/p>\n

I guess I\u2019m surviving. I can sit in these murky waters as I figure out what to do next. Uncertainty doesn\u2019t have to be bad, does it? We\u2019ve been conditioned to believe that we have to follow the formula to thrive, be happy, and have a plan. I\u2019m learning it\u2019s ok to be untethered. We\u2019re all just out here surviving.<\/p>\n

Even now, I have to remind myself not to compare myself to other people on the internet. If I think deeply, I\u2019m happy here on the sofa, with my mom, in my old pajamas. These tender moments are everything. They are what really heals the heart. Let\u2019s remember to be kind to ourselves. We need it.<\/p>\n

\"turning<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been back in New Zealand for nearly a month.<\/p>\n

I\u2019ve spent nearly half my life as an American expat overseas. For the first time in a very long time, I didn\u2019t want my trip to the US to be over. It\u2019s been years since I was with my family because of the closed borders of New Zealand. I get why they did it, but I don\u2019t believe how they did it with MIQ was ethical. In fact, I think it was cruel. I\u00a0 believe the collective trauma from it is incalculable.<\/p>\n

Recently I\u2019ve found myself dwelling a lot on the idea of home.<\/p>\n

When I say home, do I mean back home in Virginia, where I grew up, or do I mean back home here in New Zealand, where I\u2019ve been living for a decade? I don\u2019t actually know. Perhaps that\u2019s the prerogative of expats, always having our feet in two worlds. When I\u2019m in New Zealand, I sound American. When I\u2019m in America, I sound like a kiwi. It\u2019s a beautiful thing to have the privilege of two countries, but it is also challenging.<\/p>\n

Do I belong to both, or do I belong to neither? It depends on my mood, I guess.<\/p>\n

\"turning<\/p>\n

Here the days are getting crisper, and the sun disappears by 5 pm.<\/p>\n

Winter is coming to Wanaka, and for the first time in a long time, I\u2019m considering skipping it. I don\u2019t have a concrete place to live; I\u2019ve got my current Wanaka flat til July 1st. Do I find a long-term rental in Wanaka while I save for a house? What about returning to Lyttelton and throw myself back into my plant shop, NODE? Or should I fuck off overseas for a few months and seek sunnier shores and bigger influencer paychecks? Do I go back to my family in the US for a while?<\/p>\n

Don\u2019t get me wrong, I love winter, and I am excited to be back by the mountains; I\u2019ve always been a four-seasons kind of girl. But my life is still very much in limbo. I usually have a pretty clear path I follow.<\/p>\n

With my anxiety, I\u2019ve learned to make decisions quickly so I don\u2019t end up in limbo, which stresses me out. But I\u2019ve been in limbo since my breakup in November, and I still don\u2019t know what direction to go! Usually, this is not something I would have shared in the past, but I\u2019ve decided to be open about it so that others might relate to my struggles.<\/p>\n

You are not alone.<\/p>\n

\"turning<\/p>\n

It\u2019s been six months of feeling lost.<\/p>\n

I\u2019m trying to figure out what to do. I think I\u2019m still coming to terms with having the rug pulled out from under me. I\u2019m a homebody and introvert, and it\u2019s always been so important to me to have a safe, comfortable space at home I can retreat to. I thought I had that, but it disappeared, and I find I don\u2019t have the energy or will to rebuild it on my own right now, even though I crave a routine.\u00a0<\/p>\n

Do I keep my stuff in storage and try to see this freedom as an opportunity? Do I buck up and admit to myself that my old life is gone and it\u2019s time to build a new one? Being untethered both sucks and is wonderful at the same time. I guess I\u2019m just hoping the right opportunity will present itself soon. And trust in the process. If this isn\u2019t a test of growing up, I don\u2019t know what is.\u00a0<\/p>\n

And if you have any advice for lost wanderers like me or have advice on turning 34? I\u2019d love to hear it.<\/em><\/p>\n

\"turning<\/p>\n

The post Reflections on turning 34<\/a> appeared first on Young Adventuress<\/a>.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Thirty-four twirls around the sun. Wow, how time flies. It feels like yesterday I was a fresh-faced 21-year-old starting this blog to document my travels. Thirteen years later, I still feel like I don\u2019t know what I\u2019m doing, just a little more confident. Recently I was chatting with friends, and someone asked if we could […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":183,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0},"categories":[7],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/zerofrontiertravel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/182"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/zerofrontiertravel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/zerofrontiertravel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zerofrontiertravel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zerofrontiertravel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=182"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/zerofrontiertravel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/182\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zerofrontiertravel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/183"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/zerofrontiertravel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=182"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zerofrontiertravel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=182"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/zerofrontiertravel.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=182"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}